thanks, Hank

“How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”

Charles Bukowski

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what I know about Alaska (dated summer, 2011)

  1. its cold in alaska. even in the so-called “summer time” in alaska the locals say : “We have 4 seasons in alaska: june, july, august, and winter”

  2. alaskans like fur. and mounted animals. its a taxidermist’s paradise. Everwhere has something dead on the wall, or in the entryway

  3. alaskans also like guns

  4. in alaska, there is so much open and undeveloped space, one could get lost very easily. however, the FBI is still able to find people who attempt to hide out in small, remote towns (so dont even try it)

  5. do they have a slam  somewhere in alaska? if not, they should

  6. even though sarah palin is no longer the governer, tourist still seem to think she is.

  7. i am bear and moose repellant. thousands of people see both often. i saw neither(but i did see a beaver….)

  8. all of the car dealership commercials are for various forms of trucks

  9. all the beeries in denali national park are edible (fyi Denali is the official name for the largest mtn in n. america aka mt mckinley)

  10. the beer there is better than in portland

  11. yes, you really can see the sun at midnight

  12. dont go with a tour. i wish i explored on my own. most of the people on tours are douchebags and only tolerable in small doses.

late nite inspiration

I took a nap yesterday afternoon, so when I woke up at 11pm I was wide awake until around 4am. I used this time for free writing and poetry stuff. Here are a few short things I came up with.

Bring your own Coaster

 

the worst part

about you leaving

is that I could never run

from your stain

kept looking over my shoulder

kept waiting

to run into you

somewhere

 

you are the reason I leave the house

dressed

you are the reason

I study the bike frames

parked outside the coffee shops

searching for one

that is as familiar

as your body

 

This town

takes our past

and wraps it up

in a pretty package of

“I told you so”

It  mocks you

with the moments

that still linger

the same people

who once loved you

walking down the street

with someone

else

 

I’ve been looking at the sidewalk

too afraid to refrain

from a lowered gaze

 

hope is a taped up jack-in the box

a surprise you never want to see again.

 

 

I want to plant a forest with you

 

I’d tell you

to let the roots tell you where to go

 

but then you might say

I’m telling your roots

How

to grow

 

We can’t force our own hand

we can’t move

when we’ve nailed our own feet

to our wooden floors

when we’ve built

our own temples

the most difficult thing to do

is to set them

ablaze.

 

One must ask

what do you want to be?

 

Do you want to be molded

do you want your branches bent

broken

sawed in half

if they will eventually

make you a shelter

 

do you want order

do you want architecture

straight lines

a roof

over your head

 

foundations

that reach deep below the

surface

 

do you recognize

the reality

of impermanence

 

all we can hope for

are the roots we’ve made for ourselves

the rings

we’ve spent lifetimes wrapped up in

the slow moving slouching

towards the promise

of sunlight

 

and the approach

of the ax.

 

 

updates

I’ve been laying low lately

despite continuing to have lots of ideas for poems, I haven’t really had much energy in the last 2 weeks, and so I haven’t really been motivated to work on them too much. I am blaming baby anxiety, combined with third trimester insomnia. That being said, I am hoping to have at least two new poems by the time Raj arrives in September. After that, I will be focusing mostly on getting my manuscript edited and ready to submit to publishers in the fall. I will continue to check in on here every once in awhile, but might check out mentally about posting consistently for the next 4 months or so.

365 days

a year ago….

my grandmother passed away. While I still haven’t processed her death as much as I would like to (I have been in “survival” mode for most of this last year…more on that later) I feel more at peace with this event, knowing that her death has probably been the best thing for my immediate family, as it allowed some of them to transition into a new phase of life they otherwise would not have done on their own.

a year ago…

I tried to commit suicide. It was not the first time (although it was the first time I consciously made the decision), and it was not the last time (more on that later). My depression came full force almost 3 years ago. Many things contributed to this depression, but after my grandmother got sick and I lacked a support system, it worsened. I was involved in an abusive relationship, abusing alcohol, and filled with self-hatred for most of this time. I really, truly, and honestly, at that time wanted to die. Not from an attention-getting standpoint. Not from a lack of better options, but because I thought I had done everything I came to this Earth to do, and I was tired of feeling pain. I am still tired of feeling pain, but I am still learning to manage it, and to live with events I have experienced, and how to love myself in all of my ugliness, and beauty. I am glad my attempt was not successful. I realize now, that there is so much more I have to do with this life, and I am grateful for it.

a year ago…

I had a miscarriage. It was the first, but not the last (I had another later in the year). Like my other miscarriage (which was farther along than the first) despite the desire I felt to have these children, I see that the Universe works in its own way, and that if I had either of those children, It would not be an easy life for them (considering the toxic relationship I had with the father), and I would not have Raj in my life.

a year ago…

I had a drinking problem. It was not a pleasant experience, but one that I needed to have. I am sober. Being sober isn’t easy, but it is the best thing for me. I know why I drink. I know what it does for me. It helps me run away. It helps me forget. I am forcing myself to remember, and it is the best thing I could have ever done, I feel so much better feeling all of the pain instead of numbing it.

a year ago…

I was reckless. I was unhealthy. I was mean. I was ugly. I was deceitful. I was angry. I was cruel. I was dangerous….and I didn’t care. About myself or anyone else. I destroyed great friendships, and put myself at risk for so many things.

It’s amazing what a year can do. It’s amazing how far one can come in such a short time. I am so happy right now. I am so blessed right now. I am surrounded by people who care about me and have left behind those who do not. I am blessed to be bringing a beautiful boy into this world, who has both parents who love him. I am not alone in this. Even during the times I feel alone, I am not alone. There are so many people and so many things to love and live for, and to feel loved by. I am grateful. So grateful for everything I have been given. I am so lucky to be alive in this life. I feel like I had to go through the darkness to truly appreciate the light. I thought the darkness came solely from me, but then I squinted my eyes and realized that all along, there have been stars shinning. All along there have been opportunities to see the light. And I do. I do.