I’m still here, but damn this week has been hard so far. I’m so glad this month is almost over. The last 3 days have been particularly difficult. During my forgiveness meditation this morning, one of my rapists popped into my head. I wasn’t ready for that, but since this rape happened in October, I guess thats just where my mind went. I don’t think about this person much, but I went through the meditation as usual, and I think it was a good step. However, it did bring that event to the forefront and I today have been reminded of him and the other people who have sexually abused me. I started my period 2 days ago, so my emotions are heightened, making each feeling magnified. Channeling the moon blood energy is still something I am trying to master. On Halloween it will be the anniversary of my miscarriage. Ironic that I am bleeding now like I was leading up to that event 4 years ago. Maybe that’s also making things challenging this week.
I almost broke down when I was on the phone with someone today. I wanted to get a personal motivation coach to help me work through some of my business and confidence blockages, so I accepted one of those free coaching sessions (before you actually buy the package). The man who called me sounded frustrated that I hadn’t thought of any questions to ask him, and I was put on the spot to come up with questions without getting a chance to think of them, and I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing or sounding stupid so I froze up, stumbling over my words, not making sense and sounding very very silly and then he laughed…and then I started to shut down. I often shut down when I feel overwhelmed. It’s a coping mechanism I learned when I was a child. Shutting down for me looks like my voice cracking—about to cry—limiting my words to “yes” and “no”, showing no emotion, and feeling worthless. The guy proceeded to use language that sounded authoritative and abrasive: I know the guy was just trying to “talk straight” with me (like motivational coaches try to do), but I feel like that wasn’t really what I needed in that moment. I felt very attacked. I don’t think he was attacking me, but that’s how it felt in the moment. It was a big trigger.
After the phone call I did some more research about the experience of shutting down and disassociating–it’s common for people like me who grew up in or lived in abusive situations. I have many many many many experiences of men standing over me, yelling at me, or berating me—from my father to my older brother, to my romantic partners to male roommates. Having a stranger do it is one of my larger fears and one of the reasons why I have social anxiety in the first place, so I guess that didn’t help (unless the guy knew that all along and was trying to provoke that out of me…which would make him a masterful motivation coach if he could pick up on that within 5 minutes)
Anyways, I can tell I got a bit rattled and triggered by that conversation because I have been drinking beer and smoking cigarettes ever since, but maybe I just have to face those fears. Maybe I need more tools to work through shutting down if I am going to succeed in this world. The hardest part is that when it happens, it is my body reacting in full on “fight, flight, freeze” mode and The physical reactions happen first—my brain kicks into protective mode to shelter me for harm, and my survival instinct kicks into overdrive. I zone out, lose my sense of hearing, feel foggy, etc. I don’t know who I am or where I am in those moments, I feel completely disconnected from my body at all, so pulling my consciousness back is challenging and can take several minutes.
(In this moment I am so very grateful that I have a partner now who is not like other men I have lived with in the past. So very veryveryveryveryvery grateful)
The rest of the “coaching session” went on as planned with the pitch and so on, but I was too far gone to really feel receptive. I really want to have a relationship with a coach who I feel supported by, and this individual didn’t really feel like a good fit for me. I would still love to work with someone who can help me get to where I would like to go…but in a way that feels supportive and safe. I am open and receptive to that possibility. I know the world does not come with a trigger warning(flashback to a couples of weeks ago when I shut down after an older man told me a was a bad mom for bringing my son to a place with a live band), and I would love to work with someone who can teach me how to overcome all of my challenges, including this one.
Until then, I need more chocolate and wine and hot baths in my life.
I am dreaming of January at this point. Let’s get through the next two months in one piece, please.