Know Thyself

knowthyself

Advertisements

Fuck Trump
Fuck this “alternative facts” bullshit
Fuck the fact that we now live in the tipping point
We are literally seeing the point tip
Fuck these first 4 days
Fuck every other day after this
Fuck the fact that 43,000 people are going to die per year
just so the Republicans can pat each other on the back
Fuck pipelines
Fuck the people like me
Who are all talk and no action
I want to do something
I want to believe that if we do something
the bad guys will lose
but this isn’t a fucking movie
Progress isn’t tied up with a bow
it is forged in blood
there is no easy way out of this
no way through without a body count
and countless lives lost

Today

it’s Ben’s birthday today, but also the same day Trump is sworn in as president so any celebration feels awkward. Raj and I went for a walk this morning and the neighborhood was undoubtedly more quiet. I remember the day after Obama was elected how everyone seemed so much happier and elated. There is a heavy solumnness in the air today. A whisper of sadness that envelops everything. 

I’m scared. I’m caught in the spiral for wanting to do something yet feeling helpless and unsure of what to do. 

Detox

I have been detoxing and continue to detox. My second colonic (woo hoo) was followed by this week of diet changes, alcohol abstinence and no more tobacco (yay) I feel like a theme this year will be taking better care of myself. Oh boy is it easy to get lost in the bustle of daily life. To forget what you need while focussing on the needs of others. As a mother and partner I find myself constantly taking care of the needs of my family, never placing myself on the same level as them, as if sacrifice equaled greater love for them. My own mother was very sacrificing in this way, so perhaps the pattern was woven in my childhood. Watching her wake up at 3am just to have some peace and time to herself. To work without distraction. I find myself doing the same things sometimes. I have been noticing these things lately. As I grow into my own motherhood I begin to see bits of my own mother in myself, as well as my father’s mother; a woman I never met but was infamous in her cruelty. I almost wish I had met her, so I would be able to pluck her out of me. As a family of trauma, no one wants to talk about the trauma. We want to hide it and pretend it doesn’t exist. That the addictions and anxiety and PTSD are not connected somehow. I can’t ask my parents about their parents. My connection to who I am is cut, and I am always worried about repeating the same mistakes. If I will speak too harshly to my son and he will be damaged by it.

I realized that the lifestyle I have been living is not helping me as a parent and partner. Spreading myself so thin between family, and 5 jobs. Always moving and never slowing down to enjoy the precious moments with my son. For months I had felt so over worked and stressed and short fused and anxious. Like no matter what, I was failing somehow. Disappointing someone. I made a huge self-care decision to quit my current job and pursue a more relaxed option. To find something that will help me enjoy my life instead of make it another routine. As soon as I sent in my letter of resignation, it felt like I had done the right thing. That I was moving on into a direction I needed to go. That I was telling myself that my needs were important. That my personal goals and aspirations were now within my reach. It’s so hard to take care of myself, but I am getting better at it. I am learning that I am worth it. That I can’t pour from an empty cup.

Resolutions

1) Finish my memoir
2) Perform my one-woman show 3 times
3) Teach 4 workshops
4) Speak my mind
5) Overcome isolation
6) Find love everywhere I go
7) Trust
8) Publish a poetry book
9) Lead a trauma healing TLA workshop
10) Host “perspectives” community event